Update...

So yesterday I spilled my guts, telling about the abuse I once had in my life. I bawled my eyes out writing that, which I considered a good thing. I had never cried over it before. I had never wanted to think about it, speak about it, nothing. It was over and done. Well, my typing all that helped me to deal with it a little. It was suddenly brought to the conscious mind. When I got done typing, I called my mom. I just had this strong feeling that she needed to know how I felt before I could truly begin the healing process. I called her and told her that I had just blogged about something I've been trying to deal with, and that it was very important to me that she read it. I also gave her a bit of a heads up about the resentment I had been harboring for her for a long, long time. So I sent it to her in an email. I was terrified that she would be upset. I love my mom and have a close relationship with her. The last thing I wanted to do was dredge all this crap from the past back up. I know she suffered at the hands of my step-dad too. I believe hers was more verbal abuse than anything else. Bottom line: my mom was not upset at all. She knew that this was something that I HAD to do to begin to finally heal. I'm still a long way off of being completely healed and whole again, but it's certainly a start. I'm trying to let a few of my controlled, orderly things go. Like sweeping the floor every night, making sure the kitchen is sparkling clean, folding the towels a certain way. All that stuff is so unimportant. Last night I did not sweep the floor after dinner, and to my surprise, the world did not come to a screeching halt! And tonight I'm not cleaning up the kitchen. I wouldn't have been able to relax at night before until I had cleaned up the house. Slowly trying to let that junk go...it's kinda liberating actually!
A friend of mine reminded me that God will not give you more than you can handle. I was scared to tell Mom how I felt, but thru the love of Jesus I was able to do it. He gives me courage when I need it the most. And really when you think about it, we shouldn't be scared at all, for He is with us always. Kind of awesome when you think about it. :)

Forgiveness

I had a breakthrough in group last night. I was talking about how everything has to be done a certain way, and how I have to have control and order in my life. I don't deal well with my daily routine being messed up, towels have to be folded a certain way, etc. I was talking about this and about how my step-dad had been mean to me when I was younger. My facilitator for my group said "Do you think that the reason you have to have control and order in your life now is because you had no control over your life when you were younger?" I had never thought about it, but it makes completely sense to me. I also think I figured out why I overeat. When I was younger, I didn't feel that my step-dad loved me, and I also felt that I didn't matter to my mom because she didn't do anything about it. So to fill that void that I felt/feel, I eat. Makes you feel better, at least at the time. Food wasn't going to let me down. Food was there for me. I think that's what started a very bad pattern in my life. Now that I've figured that out, I'm definately going to deal with it.
My step-dad was mean to me. I was 7 when he started, and 14 when Mom and him finally got a divorce. He wasn't mean until my sister was born. I don't know what triggered it then, but something did. I remember one time when I didn't know what chemical to use to clean up a mess where a trash bag had leaked on the basement floor. He kept yelling at me, telling me I was worthless. (I heard that I was worthless on a daily basis for 7 years.) Eventually he kicked me in the back as I was on my hands and knees on the floor, looking at the different chemicals. I ran upstairs to my mom and told her what happened. I remember that she came down and started yelling at him. She always yelled at him, would tell him not to touch her daughter again. It never worked. I remember another time when he picked me up by my head and threw me into my room. I can't remember exactly why, but I think I had wanted to spend the night at a friend's house. I somehow made him mad. I might have lied and told him that my friend was not outside waiting for me, when she really was. I can't remember exactly. Mom wasn't home that time. I remember getting spanked, bare butt with a belt. I couldn't sit down for a couple of hours after those incidents. Most of these my mom knew about.
When I had my daughter I felt the resentment I had built up toward my mom threaten to explode. Here was my precious little baby girl, and I knew instantly that I would throw my life down for her. And I thought "Why couldn't my mom have done that for me?" I'm not saying that I wanted her to die for me, but why did it take her so long to leave? Why did I have to endure the physical and emotional abuse for so long? He was MEAN!!! He yelled at me every single day for years!!! He hit me at least once or twice a week for years! What did I ever do to deserve that? I was a child! An innocent child! If my husband (and he never would) would do something like that to either one of our children, I would leave in a heartbeat!! Every child deserves to feel loved and wanted. I didn't feel either of those.
So now I need to forgive. I want to forgive, so that all this anger can go. God wants me to forgive, or He wouldn't have brought all this to the front of my mind. Remember: forgiveness does NOT mean that we have to like what was done to us. Forgiveness means that we love ourselves enough to be able to let it go. I pray that as I let it go, all that baggage is gone too. I don't want to feel this anger anymore.

Closer to God

We went to church yesterday, and I'm 99.99% sure that the message was aimed directly at me! Right now our series is Distant: What if God is closer than you think? Well, yesterday Jason was talking about getting out of your comfort zone. God is right on the outside of your comfort zone. I have to say, I was intrigued. I'm always praying for God to help me be closer to Him, to show me the parts of my life that need to be changed, etc. Jason said alot of us beckon God closer with one hand and strong arm Him with the other. In other words, we want to be closer, but we don't want to deal with the things that God puts in front of us in order to become closer to Him. This was completely and totally me! I'm more comfortable where I am and not dealing with my issues than facing those things to become closer to God. I don't want to revisit abuse when I was a child, or my anger toward my mom for not doing anything about it. Who would want to face those things again? It was hard going through it the first time. So in the next weeks, I'm going to be doing a lot of soul searching. I believe I need to forgive a few people. The funny thing is, I thought that I had. I'm not entirely sure, since I'm so new to Christianity, but do you think it's possible that you can't fully forgive someone until you have the love of Christ in your life? I think I'm on to something here. I had a friend who I thought I had forgiven before I found Christ. Turns out, I was only telling this person what they wanted to hear. I was still seriously pissed off about how I was treated way back in the day. I even brushed this person off. The day I was baptized, I felt a strong urge to tell this person that I was sorry for behaving the way that I did and for treating her poorly. And lo and behold, I KNEW that I'd forgiven her because it just didn't matter anymore. I have no anger whatsoever towards her. We'll never be best buds, but it's nice to not feel that anger anymore. Imagine how great it would feel to TRULY forgive anybody else that needs forgiveness...I've realized that my forgiving someone doesn't condone what they've done. It's not my saying that it's ok how they've treated me. It's simply me letting it go. And suddenly that particular experience doesn't have a hold on my life anymore. I have a couple of people I need to forgive, and I pray that God gives me the courage to do it! Through God anything is possible!!! Remember that.

Sick kids...

My poor babies have been sick since Friday! Well, Jadyn's been sick since Friday, Luke's been sick since Sunday. Needless to say that our Halloween camping was canceled! Bummer. I have to say though, that I'm not all that upset about it. It was 50 degrees this past weekend with a low of about 32! We would have frozen to the tent! We were going to take a picture of the 4 of us cuddled up nice and warm on the couch and send it to Shane's mom's phone! LOL I don't think she would have appreciated it since she was camping in the cold! Anyway, there's always next year...
On another note, Notre Dame plays USC this Saturday! Go ND!! I'm pretty confident that they can pull out a win. I seriously hoping it's not going to be another heart clutcher! No joke, all the games this year (except the first one against Nevada) have nearly given me a heart attack! My poor ticker can't take much more of that!

A Few Things...

My little girl lost her first tooth yesterday! Well, I had to pull it (after much arguing). She thought it would hurt really bad and didn't want me to touch her tooth. It was hanging on my a thread (in a manner of speaking) and I tried to tell her that it wouldn't hurt and if it did, I would stop. So this is the end result of the fiasco! She looks cute without her little tooth, doesn't she?

One thing I learned the other day. I was watching the Ellen show and she had on these "plus sized" models. I'm telling you, they did not looked plus-sized to me! I'd say they ranged from about a size 8 to maybe a 12. Not what I'd consider plus-sized. According to these models, in the modeling industry, a plus size is anyone over a size 6!!! Are we serious? No wonder so many girls in this world have so many issues with their weight! My sister isn't even a size 6 and she's built like a Barbie doll! There is seriously something wrong with our society if we encourage young girls to starve themselves for perfection. The only person that ever walked this earth who was perfect was Jesus Christ, and I doubt he worried about His weight! I for one have decided to just accept myself the way I am! If people don't like the way I look, turn the other way!! I love myself just the way I am! God loves me just the way I am! Take that modeling industry!!!