Update...

So yesterday I spilled my guts, telling about the abuse I once had in my life. I bawled my eyes out writing that, which I considered a good thing. I had never cried over it before. I had never wanted to think about it, speak about it, nothing. It was over and done. Well, my typing all that helped me to deal with it a little. It was suddenly brought to the conscious mind. When I got done typing, I called my mom. I just had this strong feeling that she needed to know how I felt before I could truly begin the healing process. I called her and told her that I had just blogged about something I've been trying to deal with, and that it was very important to me that she read it. I also gave her a bit of a heads up about the resentment I had been harboring for her for a long, long time. So I sent it to her in an email. I was terrified that she would be upset. I love my mom and have a close relationship with her. The last thing I wanted to do was dredge all this crap from the past back up. I know she suffered at the hands of my step-dad too. I believe hers was more verbal abuse than anything else. Bottom line: my mom was not upset at all. She knew that this was something that I HAD to do to begin to finally heal. I'm still a long way off of being completely healed and whole again, but it's certainly a start. I'm trying to let a few of my controlled, orderly things go. Like sweeping the floor every night, making sure the kitchen is sparkling clean, folding the towels a certain way. All that stuff is so unimportant. Last night I did not sweep the floor after dinner, and to my surprise, the world did not come to a screeching halt! And tonight I'm not cleaning up the kitchen. I wouldn't have been able to relax at night before until I had cleaned up the house. Slowly trying to let that junk go...it's kinda liberating actually!
A friend of mine reminded me that God will not give you more than you can handle. I was scared to tell Mom how I felt, but thru the love of Jesus I was able to do it. He gives me courage when I need it the most. And really when you think about it, we shouldn't be scared at all, for He is with us always. Kind of awesome when you think about it. :)