Forgiveness

I had a breakthrough in group last night. I was talking about how everything has to be done a certain way, and how I have to have control and order in my life. I don't deal well with my daily routine being messed up, towels have to be folded a certain way, etc. I was talking about this and about how my step-dad had been mean to me when I was younger. My facilitator for my group said "Do you think that the reason you have to have control and order in your life now is because you had no control over your life when you were younger?" I had never thought about it, but it makes completely sense to me. I also think I figured out why I overeat. When I was younger, I didn't feel that my step-dad loved me, and I also felt that I didn't matter to my mom because she didn't do anything about it. So to fill that void that I felt/feel, I eat. Makes you feel better, at least at the time. Food wasn't going to let me down. Food was there for me. I think that's what started a very bad pattern in my life. Now that I've figured that out, I'm definately going to deal with it.
My step-dad was mean to me. I was 7 when he started, and 14 when Mom and him finally got a divorce. He wasn't mean until my sister was born. I don't know what triggered it then, but something did. I remember one time when I didn't know what chemical to use to clean up a mess where a trash bag had leaked on the basement floor. He kept yelling at me, telling me I was worthless. (I heard that I was worthless on a daily basis for 7 years.) Eventually he kicked me in the back as I was on my hands and knees on the floor, looking at the different chemicals. I ran upstairs to my mom and told her what happened. I remember that she came down and started yelling at him. She always yelled at him, would tell him not to touch her daughter again. It never worked. I remember another time when he picked me up by my head and threw me into my room. I can't remember exactly why, but I think I had wanted to spend the night at a friend's house. I somehow made him mad. I might have lied and told him that my friend was not outside waiting for me, when she really was. I can't remember exactly. Mom wasn't home that time. I remember getting spanked, bare butt with a belt. I couldn't sit down for a couple of hours after those incidents. Most of these my mom knew about.
When I had my daughter I felt the resentment I had built up toward my mom threaten to explode. Here was my precious little baby girl, and I knew instantly that I would throw my life down for her. And I thought "Why couldn't my mom have done that for me?" I'm not saying that I wanted her to die for me, but why did it take her so long to leave? Why did I have to endure the physical and emotional abuse for so long? He was MEAN!!! He yelled at me every single day for years!!! He hit me at least once or twice a week for years! What did I ever do to deserve that? I was a child! An innocent child! If my husband (and he never would) would do something like that to either one of our children, I would leave in a heartbeat!! Every child deserves to feel loved and wanted. I didn't feel either of those.
So now I need to forgive. I want to forgive, so that all this anger can go. God wants me to forgive, or He wouldn't have brought all this to the front of my mind. Remember: forgiveness does NOT mean that we have to like what was done to us. Forgiveness means that we love ourselves enough to be able to let it go. I pray that as I let it go, all that baggage is gone too. I don't want to feel this anger anymore.